 A typical end-of-week morning, I am sitting at my desk, prior to the launch into the school day, hoping to manage my increasing email inbox before things get busy. Those student arrivals already in the corridor are excitedly waiting to enter the hallways. I can hear the conversation and buzz of energy, just beyond my office door. Time is of essence- there is so little quiet in the day of a school counsellor. With that in mind, I settle briefly into the rhythm of writing, my fingers hovering over my computer keyboard, just as an intercom announcement interrupts my concentration. A request is made for me to come to the central office. I lift my hands from the keyboard and turn my body toward the door. The day has begun. In the main office, I see the frame of a small child. She is sitting in a chair, head tipped downwards, shoulders slumped, both hands firmly covering her eyes. The little one is wearing heavy winter boots unnecessary for the spring weather, that pull her feet toward the floor. She looks like she wants to run away and hide.  I crouch beside her, taking in what I see, all while deciding upon my approach. I realize that this particular child is going to need some emotional cushioning. With that in mind, lowering my voice in contrast to the cacophony of noise around us, I ask, “Hey, would you like to come to my office? It is pretty loud here. Let’s go over where it is quiet.” At first, she remains motionless and non-responsive. It is as if she believes she might be invisible. She is very still and quiet, continuing to remain hidden behind those two small hands that cover her eyes and face. No words are uttered by her in response. After a short interlude of waiting, with continued soft voice and gentle tone, I beckon and invite her to follow. She slowly rises from her station and walks with me, never once taking her hands from her eyes. We maneuver the hallway, with mindfulness, me leading the way- her following, eyes covered. Once in my office, she slips into my comfy wingback, sinking into the soft cushion, hands still positioned as a cover over her eyes. I take my seat, briefly noting that I will need to return later to that unfinished email, all while turning my chair and body toward her. I roll my office chair over so I can sit directly in front of her little body. “Did anything happen?” I ask softly. Silence. “Can I get you anything?” More silence. “What would help?” Continued silence with no verbal response. I watch her position, noting a softening in her posture. I can see she is peeking out from behind those fingers. There is a bit of a shift. Gently, I inform her I will give her some space, which I do, opening my door to acclimatize us both to the ebb and flow of children entering the hallways as they head to class. Ensuring she is comfortable and safe, I connect with her classroom teacher for a bit of a conference on next steps. The teacher provides a little incentive for the student to come to class, which I am happy to offer. When I turn toward the student, after this exchange, I now notice her hands are lowered from her face and she is looking calm and content. I see a smile emerging. What has happened to instigate this turn-around? I am not sure, but I see she is ready to make a decision. Together, we make a plan for her to return to class. At the point of her return to class, I note she is compliant- there is no need to plead or cajole. Her body and mind are now in an emotional state of readiness. All I had to do was wait.  Emotional regulation can be defined as an ability to match energy and emotional readiness to the situation at hand, so as to manage and cope with life stressors. Children often have difficulty doing this for themselves, which is why we speak of co-regulation. Co-regulation is when the adult or older person in a child’s life is able to “lend their calm” to the child, so as to help them emotionally regulate their energy and tension within day-to-day living. Co-regulators use awareness and mindfulness of other people’s feelings and needs and respond accordingly, with compassion and empathy. Co-regulation often means that the adult or older person attunes to the child, becoming the strategy. In letting their own caring response provide the attention and support that the other requires, they help the child regulate their emotions. Later that morning, I was called to another situation, this time involving a classmate of hers. As I walked around the playground, looking for the particular student with whom I was concerned, I noted my earlier charge happily socializing and interacting with peers. I paused to take note, allowing myself to relish her joy in play. Seizing the moment, I approached her and inquired about her day. She responded that she was having fun. In the situation described above, this child needed time, patience and space within she could process her experience and allow her mind and body to achieve a balance. Managing her emotions, while dealing with a situation that required energy, had completely depleted her, leaving her shut-down and avoidant. With the allowance of time and gentle support, she was able to return to a state of regulation and a baseline of functioning that was typical for her. But this optimal outcome was not possible until she had worked through the process. “Can I ask what happened this morning, to cause you to feel so sad?  She responded with quiet confidence that indeed something had happened on the bus, then verbalized to me what had happened. While what she described was upsetting, I could see that she was now able to recognize the support available to her, should that incident ever happen again. Her experience in co- regulation with me and her teacher would allow for new neural pathways to be created that would help her seek out the support she needed in future situations. That this was true has been played out several times since, with continued requests by her to seek out adults, requesting connection. It has truly been wonderful to watch her self-advocate. There was no magic that occurred on this day between me and the child, or between her and her teacher. Nothing elusive or miraculous, outside the realm of normal possibility occurred. Which is to say that there is nothing extraordinary in the work of the counsellor or teacher, or in the response of the student, that is not replicable time and time again. What this situation describes is the power of relational connection, the importance of emotional regulation and the significance of co-regulation in lives of children who are still developing their self-regulation abilities. Emotional regulation, when it is made central to our work, has the power to explain and demystify behavior, allowing us to deepen relationships with students in ways that are life altering. Children need our support. Adults and caregivers have so much to offer, if we are able. When we can provide this nurturing support and attunement, it has the potential to improve everything. And that is something worth reaching for.  Note: If you are interested in learning more about emotional regulation, I highly encourage you to check out https://self-reg.ca/ as well as https://pathstonementalhealth.ca/resource/4-part-series-with-dr-susan-hopkins-supporting-educators/. Dr. Stuart Shanker and Dr. Susan Hopkins have done an incredible amount of research in this field of study. The above links are resources that inform my work and writing.  Lori is a school counsellor, writer, Canadian Certified Counsellor, Registered Counselling Therapist and nationally certified Solution Focused Brief Therapist with CCPC Global. Lori works as a K–6 school counselor in PEI, Canada and has written for Huffington Post, Edutopia, PEI Living Magazine, and PEI’s Red Magazine. She is the author of three children’s books that comprise the “Tales for Big Feelings series”: Reg Goes Swimming, Reg Takes a Trip and Reg Catches a Salmon. Lori lives in Mill River East, PEI, Canada with her husband and their four children. Find her online: https://lorigard.com   Have you ever helped a child regulate their emotions simply by being present? What did you notice? What are some nonverbal signs you look for when a student is overwhelmed? How do you practice “becoming the strategy” in your own interactions with children? In what ways can teachers and counselors build trust through co-regulation? How might your school or home environment change if emotional readiness became a daily focus? Please leave your comments below. Your feedback is always appreciated. 
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